Today, this feels like home.

I spent most of my first few months up here in Washington incredibly depressed. At first I wallowed in my home-sickness, and all I wanted to do was go back to Utah and my old life — even though the very thought made me want to start crying all over again. I went from there to spending a lot of time inside my head, running circles around every thought or idea I had until I was dizzy and wished I could just turn my brain off, but learning a lot about myself in the process. About what I wanted, where I wanted to be, and why I wasn’t happy. Slowly, I became okay with things. Just okay. It was what it was, and I wasn’t going to let it get me down anymore. When I started working at Panera I was happy just be working with people again. Slowly things have started getting better, and I don’t know if it’s because my perspective has changed, because my life is changing, or a mixture of both. I do know I’m happier now than I’ve been in a long time, and not that ‘happy but waiting for it to end’ kind of happy. I feel like I’m truly happy. I am here, this is now, and I’m enjoying the moment.

We had a birthday at work a few days ago. I don’t really know the guy very well, but he’s nice to me, and he’s funny. Someone had bought him a cheesecake from the grocery store, and we all gathered in the back and surprised him with it while singing ‘happy birthday’ to him. Everyone was smiling, and in that moment, in those eleven seconds that it took us to sing to him, this felt like home.

After we sang, everyone dispersed and went back to work, but that stuck with me for some reason. It was a moment of unity and love. I felt like I was part of something, and it meant a lot to me. It’s something I haven’t felt since I moved up here, and I didn’t even realize how much I missed it.