moving on

Today, this feels like home.

I spent most of my first few months up here in Washington incredibly depressed. At first I wallowed in my home-sickness, and all I wanted to do was go back to Utah and my old life — even though the very thought made me want to start crying all over again. I went from there to spending a lot of time inside my head, running circles around every thought or idea I had until I was dizzy and wished I could just turn my brain off, but learning a lot about myself in the process. About what I wanted, where I wanted to be, and why I wasn’t happy. Slowly, I became okay with things. Just okay. It was what it was, and I wasn’t going to let it get me down anymore. When I started working at Panera I was happy just be working with people again. Slowly things have started getting better, and I don’t know if it’s because my perspective has changed, because my life is changing, or a mixture of both. I do know I’m happier now than I’ve been in a long time, and not that ‘happy but waiting for it to end’ kind of happy. I feel like I’m truly happy. I am here, this is now, and I’m enjoying the moment.

We had a birthday at work a few days ago. I don’t really know the guy very well, but he’s nice to me, and he’s funny. Someone had bought him a cheesecake from the grocery store, and we all gathered in the back and surprised him with it while singing ‘happy birthday’ to him. Everyone was smiling, and in that moment, in those eleven seconds that it took us to sing to him, this felt like home.

After we sang, everyone dispersed and went back to work, but that stuck with me for some reason. It was a moment of unity and love. I felt like I was part of something, and it meant a lot to me. It’s something I haven’t felt since I moved up here, and I didn’t even realize how much I missed it.

xxmellory

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So Much Bigger On The Inside

I was on the YouTubes earlier listening to the song “Dear Daily Mail” by Amanda Palmer (great fucking song, although don’t watch it at work), when I saw a song I’d never heard before called “Bigger on The Inside”. I was intrigued because A) It had the possibility of being a Doctor Who reference and B) I thought I’d heard most of her music. Expecting something cheerful or joking or just fun and goofy with an awesome underlying message, I clicked the video. 

Eight minutes later and I was crying. 

This song caught me off guard completely, and even though I know it’s about her personal experiences, and I know that I don’t know her or her life or what she’s been through, I connected with this song on a level that surprised me. I think most people who hear it will. 

We’ve all been made small. We’ve all been taken advantage of. We’ve all been hurt. We’ve all had to find a way to keep fighting, even when we have no idea how we’re going to.

“You are bigger on the inside, but your father cannot see. You need to tell someone, be strong, and somewhere some dumb rock-star truly loves you.”

This line, although in the song directed at someone who wrote her a letter, just… got me. You are bigger on the inside. People may not see it. They will hurt you. They will insult you. They will try to tear away everything you love. You are bigger on the inside. Be strong, and somewhere some dumb rock-star truly loves you. 

I’ve been there, you’ve been there. Whether it seems small or monumental. That moment when you think “I can’t. I can’t fight anymore. I can’t be strong anymore.”

That moment when you’ve been crushed and defeated to the very core of your being. When you can’t find the beauty anymore. You can’t find the point anymore. They’ve taken your sense of control, they’ve taken your sense of worth.

“We are so much much bigger on the inside, you, me, everybody. Someday when you’re lying where I am you’ll finally get it, beauty. We are so much bigger than another one can ever see, but trying is the point of life, so don’t stop trying. Promise me.”

xxx with love. 

-Mellory. 

Listen to the song here: 

What are your thoughts? Feel free to start some discussions in the comments.

Simplifying My Life

My name is Mellory. I’m nineteen and trying to find a better way to live. This is a blog about my simplifying my life. (Hence the catchy title.)

I have recently been going through some changes in my life. I broke up with my long-term boyfriend, I gained about fifty pounds, and I’m about to move out of state on my own for the first time ever.

Quarter life crisis, much? In all that’s been happening I’ve been doing a lot of re-evaluating of what I find important in life, and it’s brought me to an interesting place.

I’m sure I’ll get to ranting about all of those shenanigans eventually, but I have decided to go through every aspect of my life and bring it down to simple basics, and this blog is going to be a documentation of my experiences in simplifying my life. 

When I say every aspect, I mean every aspect. 

Clothes and belongings,

World views,

Food,

Beauty Products,

Beauty Regimen,

etc.

I don’t expect it to be easy or fast, but I feel like it will be a good thing. First order of business (starting tomorrow) simplifying my wardrobe. I own a shit-ton of clothes that I never ever ever wear. Why do I need to own all of them? “Just in case”? It’s ridiculous. 

TOMORROW tune in to hear about me documenting how much I had going through all of my clothes and trying to figure out why the hell we live in a society where so much weight is put on things we own. Also, get ready to read my rant on society. Because let’s be honest, what else do I ever rant about?